Tuesday, December 6, 2011

emotional eating

I have never really thought of myself as an emotional eater,but maybe I was wrong.
My grandma died yesterday, just 6 months after losing my grandfather. I spent a large part of my childhood living with my grandparents. Most of my happy memories as a young child include them, and she was my last living grandparent. Needless to say I am very sad and I didn't feel up to doing much constructive activity yesterday. I ordered a pizza for dinner and I ate 3 pieces. Two hours later, I ate two pieces of fudge. I'm trying not to beat myself up. It could have been so much worse.
But today I'm reflecting on what really made me veer off the path.
It wasn't because I though the food would make me feel better. It was more like I had an internal voice that said, "why should I have to deny myself today." I hope to someday get to the point where I don't see food as punishment/reward. Food should be for nourishment first and foremost. I'm not saying it can't be pleasurable, but I think I was in the habit of eating only for pleasure and a little nourishment came along for the ride. I need to learn to eat for nourishment and energy and if it's pleasurable, all the better.
There are a lot of emotional days ahead that will make sticking to the plan difficult: the funeral, my husbands birthday, Christmas, New Years. My plan is just to do the best I can. and if I stumble, I will start fresh the very next day rather than say, "oh well, I already screwed up so I might as well eat what ever I want for the rest of the week."
I hope I can start to see healthy eating as self-preservation not self-deprivation.

While looking at pictures of my grandma I found this photo from 2009. It is a full body shot of me at my highest weight. I weighed approx. 295 here. This is great motivation for me to keep the scales moving in the right direction. I don't ever want to be that big again.

1 comment:

  1. Everyone stumbles, but you know what you have to do and you are strong enough to do it! I love you!